


It's Whatever Turns You On

by krikkiter68



Category: The Goodies (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, Cuddling, Drinking, Friendship, Gigantic Comedy Dog, Hallucinations, Innuendo, Kissing, M/M, Men in Nighties, Sherbert Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 08:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10693074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krikkiter68/pseuds/krikkiter68
Summary: When their office becomes encased in concrete, the lads have to find novel ways of keeping themselves warm and entertained...References the episodes "The End" and "The Goodies Rule - OK?"  Set in 1977.





	It's Whatever Turns You On

Tim hugged his knees and sighed.

"I'm cold, Gray," he whimpered, "Can't we put the heating on?"

"Afraid not, old chum," Graeme said. "We just don't know how long we're going to be stuck in here."

"Pleeease!"

Graeme placed his hand on Tim's shoulder.

"I'm sorry. Just try picturing the size of the electricity bill by the time the postman manages to post it through the door. That might help."

"I don't care! At least we'll be warm!" Tim whined, his lower lip starting to tremble.

"He's right, y'know," Bill said, rollerskating into the room, "it's right bloody parky in here."

Graeme looked thoughtful.

"I think I've got a solution. You remember the drought last summer, when we all had to share baths to save water?"

"Way-hey! I certainly do!" Bill said, chortling. "All those fun games of hunt-the-soap - "

"Yeees, and you kept winning! I wonder why!" Tim said, pointedly.

"...Anyway," Graeme said patiently, "I've got a solution to the present warmth crisis. Let's all get into bed."

"It's as good a solution as any, I suppose," Tim said, shivering. "We can take something each to entertain us. Bill's got his sherbert, I've got my turps..."

"Oh, sorry Tim, I meant to tell you," Graeme said. "We've run out of turps."

"Really?!" Tim said, looking like he was going to cry.

"I'm afraid so, Timbo. We do, however, have a cellar full of vintage champagne. Would that do?"

 

Half an hour later they were all huddled up in a vast, wheeled brass bed, sheets pulled up to their necks, arms around each others' shoulders and quite tipsy on champagne. Bill ran a hand down Tim's back and whistled appreciatively.

"Nice nightie, Timbo," he said. Tim pouted.

"It's a negligee, Billykins. My Union-Jack silk negligee. It's my favourite."

"Suits you," Bill said in Tim's ear as Graeme stroked his hair. "You look quite sexy in it."

Tim turned his head and kissed Graeme's cheek, then turned back to Bill.

"Well, you did say we were doomed to be bachelors gay!" he said, grinning.

"Yeah, but I fancy women, too," Bill said.

"Me too," Graeme said, kissing Tim's cheek.

"And me. Especially Her Majesty. And Olivia Newton-John. My Livvy," Tim said. He blushed suddenly, and giggled.

"Oh, all right, then. We're not bachelors gay. We're bachelors bisexual. There, that's that sorted out. I'm gonna have some sherbet now," Bill said. He grabbed the packet of sherbet and upended it into his mouth.

"Gray!" Tim hissed. "Bill's gonna have visions! This could be interesting!"

"Right," Graeme said, climbing out of bed and revealing his brown tweed pyjamas, "I'll just get the screen wired up..."

 

Ten minutes later, the two of them were sitting either side of Bill, holding one hand each and keeping a close watch on the wide screen in front of them.

"Ooh! OOOH!" Bill shrieked suddenly.

"What is it, old pal?" Graeme said, gripping his hand.

"I think something's coming up," Tim said, as the screen started to flicker into life.

"I can see!" Bill cried, his eyes squeezed shut, "I can see into the future! To the Year of Our Lord 2017..."

The others watched the images on the screen.

"Threat of World War 3...warmongering presidents...ruthless politicians...poverty...racism...oppression...violence...rising house prices...everything's expensive...awful game shows...parcels arriving when you're not at home - oh, this is rubbish!" Tim said. "There's no jet packs, no colonies on Mars, and the pop music's ruddy boring in the future - doesn't anything change for the better in the next 40 years?!" 

"Oh come on Tim, it's not all bad," Graeme said. "It looks like everyone has a computer in 2017."

"How can they see anything, with screens that size?"

"Wait a minute," Graeme said, his back prickling, "the screen's changing."

They could see the streets of Cricklewood outside, and the figure of a long-haired dog rapidly approaching, getting larger and larger.

"It's - it's Dougal!" Tim gasped.

"He must have escaped from the ruins of Chequers!" Graeme shouted, placing a long, protective arm around Tim and Bill as Dougal's face filled the screen. "Brace yourselves - !"

There was an almighty crash.

 

10 minutes later

The three of them hugged as Dougal's nose propelled their wheeled bed towards the motorway.

"Well, that was a stroke of luck!" Bill said. "Dougal smashed through the concrete in the doorways. We can go back and come and go anytime we like."

"And look what a beautiful day it is," Graeme said, gesturing towards the blue, cloudless summer sky.

"Absolutely," Tim said, beaming. "We'll be in Clacton-on-Sea by noon! Anyone got a bucket and spade?"

THE END


End file.
